Who Am I Really?

So, this is "Meghan's Time to be Vulnerable" blog. For about 2 weeks now, I've had some pretty intense struggles. It started with the loneliness that I've mentioned. I kept praying and really trying to throw myself into the Word and really looking for and pursuing God in the midst of it all, but things just kept getting harder. Which was the complete opposited of what I expected to happen.
On Saturday, about a week and a half ago, the older kids left for 5 days and things got incredibly quiet at the home. My loneliness just got worse. Sunday, I finally told God I had had enough of all this. I was to the point where I would have gotten on the next flight and come home. Monday, everythign, and I mean EVERYTHING, started coming to the surface. I don't think I have ever wanted to go back to my old lifestyle as strongly as I did then. And I allowed myself to dwell on it and think how much easier it would be. I had reached the breaking point I felt like. I felt HORRIBLE for my thoughts, but the last thing I wanted to do was pray. This went on Tuesday as well, but Tues night, I was listening to Corey Russell on my IPOD (Anciet Paths) and it came to the track where he began talking about how we have forgotten how our walk with God used to be. When we did everything out of love. And Dana was singing from God's perspective. As soon as she began singing, I started crying. I put the song on repeat and spent the next half hour, at least, crying. Then I was awake until after 1 am reading my Bible, praying and journaling.
I would like to sa that I woke up on Wed feeling 100 times better and nothing was wrong anymore. But, honestly, it wasn't that way. I still felt like I was ready to throw in the towel and come home. And I still had the urge to go and get competely and totally drunk.
The kids arrived home Wed morning and after lunch, the lady who runs the home stopeed me and asked how I was doing. I told her not so great, so we went and talked. I spilled everything to her. All the temptations, struggles, how ready I was to go home. And she compeletly understood where I was. She was able to put words to what had been going on.
In a nutshell, God is stripping away my identity. Being here away from everyone and everything that defines who I am, and not being able to escape. She told me I could fight it and go home unchanged and missing what God has for me here, OR, I could embrace it. We talked for a long time about it. I had a lot of fears and still felt compeletly raw like i had been just left with this huge open wound.
I prayed after that and told God I was completely scared, but I was offering my weak yes to what He's doing. I've said my biggest fear is mising what God has for me and I definitely can't be the one to stand in the way and stop it.
I still wish I could say that I'm so much better, but I would be lying. I was able to have an awesome afternoon with the kids, and have still been able to really throw myself into being with them, but I still feel raw and open. Torn, broken. But this is where I have to be. I can't be defined byt my friends, family, gifts or talents, no matter how good, any longer. I have to be stripped away so that all that is left is Jesus. I'm scared, hurting, exhausted, but I have this unexplainable peace that I'm where I need to be. I'm openeing myself and my heart and letting God define me.

Psalm 20

Short post this time

So this is just a really short post, but I've had a few different people to put up how to pray for me, so that's what I'm doing.
I've really been hit with lonliness these past few days. Very intensely (if that's even a word) I've been praying and really trying to press into God and spend time in the Word, and it has helped some, but at times I feel completely overwhelmed. Please pray that I would really see Jesus as my constant friend and not be so overwhelmed by this.
About a week ago, I had 2 dreams within a 4 day period where I had been kidnapped, raped and sold in the trafficking ring. I have no clue what this means, but I've been praying for protection and if this is a clue as to what MIGHT come, then that I would be ready. Please join me in praying for God's covering over me!
I think that's about it right now. Thank you for all your prayers!

Where to begin? So much has happened in the last week, I hardly know where to start. The kids all finished school, so we've had a busy week beginning workshops for the kids. I get the joy of teaching Phonics. Even to the older kids.....you would be surprised how many of them can't pronounce their vowel sounds! It's been quite interesting.

On Friday, I led my first devotional. I had all the teenage girls. It was very intimidating! I do fine with smaller kids, but being vulnerable and sharing with a bunch of teenage girls was a pretty scary prospect. Honestly, the worship was probably the hardest part. Until I started singing the Word. Then, for me at least, I really felt myself connecting with God.

While praying aobut what God wanted me to talk about, I really got hit with His heart for these beautiful, young women who are pursuing love and affirmation from young men. Sound familiar? As scary as it was to open up and share in a little more detail with them things about my past, I really felt like that's what God wanted me to do. So, I did. And while severaly of them just sat and looked at me the entire time, there were a few I could tell this was really hitting home with. As I was sharing, God gave me even more of His heart for this girls. My heart was so full of love and aching to see them really become confident in who they are as young women of God. I cried several times in the short span of 20 min! A few of the girls were crying as well, so I'm praying that God used what I shared to begin to work something in their hearts.

I have made myself available to them to come and ask me questions or talk to me about anything. And, suprisingly, that very evening, one of the girls that was crying asked me to sit at her table during dinner. I did, and as soon as I sat down, she began asking me questions about how I got through everything. And I was able to share more with her about God's goodness and mercy. But, how we can't expect to do it alone. That's why God placed people in her life to help her! WOW! It was sooo cool to have that happen.

Last night we celebrated the end of the school year. We had a big party with some GOOD food! We had chicken rolls (which is kinda like a chicken tortilla, but at the same time not), egg puffs, banana chips (which i didn't eat) and fruit salad mixed with ice cream!! The fruit salad was INCREDIBLE! There was watermelon, pinapple, mangos, grapes, apples and bananas in the wonderful salad....and once again, i didn't eat the bananas! there are just some things I absolutely refuse to eat.

After dinner we had games and a dance competition! Oh my goodness! Some of these kids are AMAZING dancers!!! I did get some videos, but unfortunately, I can't get them downloaded on the computer to show you. ahhh, i guess that will have to wait until I return....something to look forward to though. We partied hard until after 10...which is the oldest kids bedtime. Needless to say, it was a fabulous ending to the school year. Everyone had so much fun.

This week, the middle aged group of kids, ages 9-13 will be going on a vacation to Mysore. There are about 12 kids, and I get the priviledge to go on this trip with them! ohhh fun!!!! We will leave EARLY Tuesday morning and spend the day there, then come home late Wednesday night. It will be fun.

Well, I think that about sums it up for now. Besides the fact that I miss you all and can't wait to see you're beautiful faces!