Who Am I Really?

So, this is "Meghan's Time to be Vulnerable" blog. For about 2 weeks now, I've had some pretty intense struggles. It started with the loneliness that I've mentioned. I kept praying and really trying to throw myself into the Word and really looking for and pursuing God in the midst of it all, but things just kept getting harder. Which was the complete opposited of what I expected to happen.
On Saturday, about a week and a half ago, the older kids left for 5 days and things got incredibly quiet at the home. My loneliness just got worse. Sunday, I finally told God I had had enough of all this. I was to the point where I would have gotten on the next flight and come home. Monday, everythign, and I mean EVERYTHING, started coming to the surface. I don't think I have ever wanted to go back to my old lifestyle as strongly as I did then. And I allowed myself to dwell on it and think how much easier it would be. I had reached the breaking point I felt like. I felt HORRIBLE for my thoughts, but the last thing I wanted to do was pray. This went on Tuesday as well, but Tues night, I was listening to Corey Russell on my IPOD (Anciet Paths) and it came to the track where he began talking about how we have forgotten how our walk with God used to be. When we did everything out of love. And Dana was singing from God's perspective. As soon as she began singing, I started crying. I put the song on repeat and spent the next half hour, at least, crying. Then I was awake until after 1 am reading my Bible, praying and journaling.
I would like to sa that I woke up on Wed feeling 100 times better and nothing was wrong anymore. But, honestly, it wasn't that way. I still felt like I was ready to throw in the towel and come home. And I still had the urge to go and get competely and totally drunk.
The kids arrived home Wed morning and after lunch, the lady who runs the home stopeed me and asked how I was doing. I told her not so great, so we went and talked. I spilled everything to her. All the temptations, struggles, how ready I was to go home. And she compeletly understood where I was. She was able to put words to what had been going on.
In a nutshell, God is stripping away my identity. Being here away from everyone and everything that defines who I am, and not being able to escape. She told me I could fight it and go home unchanged and missing what God has for me here, OR, I could embrace it. We talked for a long time about it. I had a lot of fears and still felt compeletly raw like i had been just left with this huge open wound.
I prayed after that and told God I was completely scared, but I was offering my weak yes to what He's doing. I've said my biggest fear is mising what God has for me and I definitely can't be the one to stand in the way and stop it.
I still wish I could say that I'm so much better, but I would be lying. I was able to have an awesome afternoon with the kids, and have still been able to really throw myself into being with them, but I still feel raw and open. Torn, broken. But this is where I have to be. I can't be defined byt my friends, family, gifts or talents, no matter how good, any longer. I have to be stripped away so that all that is left is Jesus. I'm scared, hurting, exhausted, but I have this unexplainable peace that I'm where I need to be. I'm openeing myself and my heart and letting God define me.

Psalm 20