Who Am I Really?

So, this is "Meghan's Time to be Vulnerable" blog. For about 2 weeks now, I've had some pretty intense struggles. It started with the loneliness that I've mentioned. I kept praying and really trying to throw myself into the Word and really looking for and pursuing God in the midst of it all, but things just kept getting harder. Which was the complete opposited of what I expected to happen.
On Saturday, about a week and a half ago, the older kids left for 5 days and things got incredibly quiet at the home. My loneliness just got worse. Sunday, I finally told God I had had enough of all this. I was to the point where I would have gotten on the next flight and come home. Monday, everythign, and I mean EVERYTHING, started coming to the surface. I don't think I have ever wanted to go back to my old lifestyle as strongly as I did then. And I allowed myself to dwell on it and think how much easier it would be. I had reached the breaking point I felt like. I felt HORRIBLE for my thoughts, but the last thing I wanted to do was pray. This went on Tuesday as well, but Tues night, I was listening to Corey Russell on my IPOD (Anciet Paths) and it came to the track where he began talking about how we have forgotten how our walk with God used to be. When we did everything out of love. And Dana was singing from God's perspective. As soon as she began singing, I started crying. I put the song on repeat and spent the next half hour, at least, crying. Then I was awake until after 1 am reading my Bible, praying and journaling.
I would like to sa that I woke up on Wed feeling 100 times better and nothing was wrong anymore. But, honestly, it wasn't that way. I still felt like I was ready to throw in the towel and come home. And I still had the urge to go and get competely and totally drunk.
The kids arrived home Wed morning and after lunch, the lady who runs the home stopeed me and asked how I was doing. I told her not so great, so we went and talked. I spilled everything to her. All the temptations, struggles, how ready I was to go home. And she compeletly understood where I was. She was able to put words to what had been going on.
In a nutshell, God is stripping away my identity. Being here away from everyone and everything that defines who I am, and not being able to escape. She told me I could fight it and go home unchanged and missing what God has for me here, OR, I could embrace it. We talked for a long time about it. I had a lot of fears and still felt compeletly raw like i had been just left with this huge open wound.
I prayed after that and told God I was completely scared, but I was offering my weak yes to what He's doing. I've said my biggest fear is mising what God has for me and I definitely can't be the one to stand in the way and stop it.
I still wish I could say that I'm so much better, but I would be lying. I was able to have an awesome afternoon with the kids, and have still been able to really throw myself into being with them, but I still feel raw and open. Torn, broken. But this is where I have to be. I can't be defined byt my friends, family, gifts or talents, no matter how good, any longer. I have to be stripped away so that all that is left is Jesus. I'm scared, hurting, exhausted, but I have this unexplainable peace that I'm where I need to be. I'm openeing myself and my heart and letting God define me.

Psalm 20

Short post this time

So this is just a really short post, but I've had a few different people to put up how to pray for me, so that's what I'm doing.
I've really been hit with lonliness these past few days. Very intensely (if that's even a word) I've been praying and really trying to press into God and spend time in the Word, and it has helped some, but at times I feel completely overwhelmed. Please pray that I would really see Jesus as my constant friend and not be so overwhelmed by this.
About a week ago, I had 2 dreams within a 4 day period where I had been kidnapped, raped and sold in the trafficking ring. I have no clue what this means, but I've been praying for protection and if this is a clue as to what MIGHT come, then that I would be ready. Please join me in praying for God's covering over me!
I think that's about it right now. Thank you for all your prayers!

Where to begin? So much has happened in the last week, I hardly know where to start. The kids all finished school, so we've had a busy week beginning workshops for the kids. I get the joy of teaching Phonics. Even to the older kids.....you would be surprised how many of them can't pronounce their vowel sounds! It's been quite interesting.

On Friday, I led my first devotional. I had all the teenage girls. It was very intimidating! I do fine with smaller kids, but being vulnerable and sharing with a bunch of teenage girls was a pretty scary prospect. Honestly, the worship was probably the hardest part. Until I started singing the Word. Then, for me at least, I really felt myself connecting with God.

While praying aobut what God wanted me to talk about, I really got hit with His heart for these beautiful, young women who are pursuing love and affirmation from young men. Sound familiar? As scary as it was to open up and share in a little more detail with them things about my past, I really felt like that's what God wanted me to do. So, I did. And while severaly of them just sat and looked at me the entire time, there were a few I could tell this was really hitting home with. As I was sharing, God gave me even more of His heart for this girls. My heart was so full of love and aching to see them really become confident in who they are as young women of God. I cried several times in the short span of 20 min! A few of the girls were crying as well, so I'm praying that God used what I shared to begin to work something in their hearts.

I have made myself available to them to come and ask me questions or talk to me about anything. And, suprisingly, that very evening, one of the girls that was crying asked me to sit at her table during dinner. I did, and as soon as I sat down, she began asking me questions about how I got through everything. And I was able to share more with her about God's goodness and mercy. But, how we can't expect to do it alone. That's why God placed people in her life to help her! WOW! It was sooo cool to have that happen.

Last night we celebrated the end of the school year. We had a big party with some GOOD food! We had chicken rolls (which is kinda like a chicken tortilla, but at the same time not), egg puffs, banana chips (which i didn't eat) and fruit salad mixed with ice cream!! The fruit salad was INCREDIBLE! There was watermelon, pinapple, mangos, grapes, apples and bananas in the wonderful salad....and once again, i didn't eat the bananas! there are just some things I absolutely refuse to eat.

After dinner we had games and a dance competition! Oh my goodness! Some of these kids are AMAZING dancers!!! I did get some videos, but unfortunately, I can't get them downloaded on the computer to show you. ahhh, i guess that will have to wait until I return....something to look forward to though. We partied hard until after 10...which is the oldest kids bedtime. Needless to say, it was a fabulous ending to the school year. Everyone had so much fun.

This week, the middle aged group of kids, ages 9-13 will be going on a vacation to Mysore. There are about 12 kids, and I get the priviledge to go on this trip with them! ohhh fun!!!! We will leave EARLY Tuesday morning and spend the day there, then come home late Wednesday night. It will be fun.

Well, I think that about sums it up for now. Besides the fact that I miss you all and can't wait to see you're beautiful faces!

Happy Labor Day!!! 7 months later.....

It is true. Today, the Americans all celebrated Labor Day....well, we needed something to tell the kids and staff because we weren't eating lunch with them. :-)
Molly and Dylan are a married couple from America that are on staff here at the Home. So, today, Molly and I cooked bbq chicken, mashed potatoes, baked beans, cheesy garlic biscuts, and she made this delectable dessert....but i'm not exactly sure of the name. haha. Well, we did it as well as can be done with the limited cooking utensils and a toaster oven to do all the cooking in! But, i'm glad to say, it turned out AMAZING!!!
The past few days have been pretty full surprisingly. There is another intern at the home, who will be here until the end of the month. Her birthday was 2 days ago, and some of her friends came out to surprise her, then go out to lunch. She invited me to go with them, and it was so much fun!!! before i continue though, i should tell you that the way Indians celebrate their birthdays is different from the way we do it at home.....the birthday guy/girl buys a cake or dessert to share with everyone and takes her friends/family out for the meal. At the home, there were cards given and the kids all prayed over her, but mostly the gifts come from the birthday person. I have to admit, I'm glad i don't have to celebrate my birthday that way!! haha...selfishly, i like having a day that's about me. ahhh!!! i can't believe i admitted that....oh well, just a way to know me better...if you weren't aware of the fact already.
That was a very good afternoon for me...i got to be around a group of Christian Indians! i had a very good time. and it also helped a lot with my lonliness and homesickness.
In the midst of being homesick and missing my family, i have had some really good times with the Lord. He has been sooo sweet to me in the midst of everything and I've come to see Him even more as a Friend and someone who is so very close to me.
Tomorrow is my first day off, so i'm looking forward to going into the city and seeing the city a bit. Woo!! and i'm going to do some shopping!! haha...every girls dream.
i love and miss everyone terribly, and i'm sure i'll have more stories to share the next time i write....summer break is just 4 days away!!!!

Am I willing?

For this one, there won't really be any stories. Although, i might tell one....
But this is just my thoughts and prayers from my devotional time a couple days ago.
I was reading a devo book my mom gave me for Christmas and I came across a reading in it that specifically touched on the issue of giving ourselves completely to God. Being here in India, I've really come face to face with the reality that I'm so comfortable, so unstretched, and even though, yes i have been through hard things, I've never been without the things I need....or even the things that are comfortable. While at the same time, there is still so much that I'm holding onto. Refusing to let go of because it makes me feel "safe."
I spent a lot of time that day praying through all of it. Everything that was brought to mind. I really want to be completely surrendered to God. I don't want to hold onto my bitterness because it makes me feel good or i'm making someone "pay" for what they did. I don't want to hold onto my guilt and shame for the choices I've made in the past. Even though, yes I have come a VERY long way from the person that i was 3 1/2 years ago, there are still times when guilt and shame of it all creeps up on me.
I'm choosing day by day, to release everything to God. Everything that I want to hold onto. I can't be compeltely who I have been created to be unless i'm willing to surrender everything. the good and the bad. Which, honestly i find it much easier to surrender the good things to God, becuase He is so, so good!!!
It hurts and it's scary, because it's causing me to be vulnerable. And I've made myself open to all the girls here. The older ones have all asked to hear my story, so I've shared it...with very little detail, but I've told them that if they have any questions at all, I will be completely open with them. Ahh!! a little scary for me!! But what better way to share who God is and what He has done?

And the Next Indian Idol Is.......

That's right, ladies and gentlemen, K-Homes has their very own Indian Idol! with Simon, Randy and Paula to boot!! a few night ago, the kids had a nice break from studying where we hosted Indian Idol. There were several participants.....yours truely included....which, may i add, i wasn't going to participate, but Tammy pointed me out and of course all the kids joined in with "Meghanaka!" (big sister) so, i stunned them all with an amazing rendition of "It's a Fine Life" from the Newsies! complete with the New York accent! haha. it was a lot of fun. The youngest kids were the most eager to sing. Peter (the youngest boy) sang his "A, B, Cs" and Sonya sang "Living in My Own World" from High School Musical. Those are just 2 of the many. Unfortunately, a winner was never determined, so I'm left hanging in suspense to see who it will be. :-)
Things are quiet for the most part around the home due to exams, so all afternoon is spent studying. I know i'm ready for the kids to have summer break, so i can't imagine how they are all feeling!
That's about it for now...besides spending lots of time reading the Word and praying, i've gotten to hang with the younger kids mostly. i'm really enjoying it here, but do still feel a measure of homesickness. but i'm doing my best to continually give it to the Lord and fully experience what He has for me here!

My First Days in India

Well, I'm here! At first i wasn't sure if i would actually make it, but i did. Luggage and all. thank you Jesus!!! I got into Bangalore around 5 am...which would be 3:30 pm back home. The trip to the home was pretty interesting. I think i spent most of it staring out the window. The home is absolutely INCREDIBLE!!!!! we got there just as the kids were getting ready to go to school, so I got the chance to meet a few of them before they took off. There is one other intern besides me, so we ate some breakfast and then joined the staff for their daily morning prayers. it was pretty cool. then we took....NAPS!!! only till lunch time though...just to help get us through the day....i'll tell you what, it was HARD to get up from that nap though. after lunch we just hung out until the kids got home from school around 2:45. Then we met a whole bunch of them, who unfortunately are going to have to tell me all their names several times before I actually get them right.
Right now the kids are preparing for exams which start next week. They will have them for the next 2 weeks, then it will be summer vacation!! yay!!! but for these next 2 weeks the time after school is spent studying like crazy. Exams here are nothng like they are in America! it's intense. anyways, i helped one of the staff with her tutorial. She had the 1-2 Standard, which were the 6 and 7 year olds. Super cute!!!!! we studied for about an hour, then got to take a play break for about 45 min. it was fun!! we played "Hunter". I feel like a kid again....i mean these kids have AMAZING imaginations. anyways.....back to the game....the kids drew a circle that I had to stay in, then they went out looking for an animal to kill. then they would run back and tell me about the animals they found and why they were dangerous. we had a 10 headed, 11 legged, 3 eyed dragon/dinosaur. it was pretty dangerous....and he had to be killed 3 times before he could die!! but they got him!
at dinner i got to spend some time with 3 of the girls, and they familiarized me with what was going to happen during the summer and what they are doing. it was great to spend some time with just a few of them. then around 8:30, i went to bed and crashed....i was EXHAUSTED!
this morning has been pretty low key. got up and went to prayer and now i'm at the internet cafe working on this.....as you can tell.
the weather is beautiful, but i'm informed that it will get REALLY hot! but hey, i expected that right :-)